Wednesday, October 24, 2018

Excitation, longing and bonding

Dedicated to all those dying for excitement and lurking around for ways to address it:

I met a guy couple of weeks ago. Young and excited about life, on the run.. not necessarily to achieve a goal, but just restless.. .reminded me of one of my ex-colleagues in Accenture.

When we sat and spoke I realized how he so much longed being closer to a guru, ,which was quite startling to me, for .. the guru that he was referring to, was some one that I didn't keep in highest esteem but did respect him..

I was trying to see, what was he craving for and that got him attracted to the guru in the first place..

Why should I Care.. .but his passion towards some person made me intrigued about the guru - sishya relationship… it was more like radha and gopal, it reminded me of this song from Baiju -Baawra, an old hindi movie.

When I narrated the song to him, I could actually see this young chap in his 20s getting emotional about the intensity of the song. I was floored at some one with such demanour getting so attached.

Who is more interested.. the guru trying to teach and achieve salvation through the sishya.. Now that I think of it, guru needs sishya rather than the other way round .. because, end of the day the sishya is an instrument for the guru to attain his salvation..

and for the sishya, it is the wisdom and the ability to connect beyond .. 

It's been a while that I encountered someone with such longing for a guru and then take great pains to meet him even if it affects career..

What made him crave for such longing... Is it the knowledge or the response to his questions?

I wanted to be a hollow man and see his expressions when he is going to meet the guru..

If I look back and hypothesize, which is the only thing that I do .. only an excited electron would long for some ionization and will be ready...

Now, where does the excitation come from... it has to be an external force.. and for us humans.. in most cases it is knowledge/love/emotion or some other kind which excites us ..

May be a lovely book, a beautiful lady, a guru, your child, wife.. some one will excite you enough to long for them more .. 

This guy wasn't agnostic about his being and yet trying very much to be bonded with his true inspiration..

Guess, only folks like them who have a desire will meet their goals..

Wednesday, June 13, 2018

Living on the Edge vs Living by the Moment

Peace!!! .. isn't possible with trembling hands
If, one bursts and has no means to let go, how does one deal with it.

I used to believe I am a peace loving guy. So, is a satan. He too wants peace, but at the cost of allegiance from every one surrounding him.

I simply am not able to handle the fact that the people who matter to me aren't impressed by me. Simple expectation of keeping them happy and in return be given a lot more.

I am getting lot of comforts from the people that I am living with, but there is an element of living on the edge rather than living by the moment.

I am realizing by the day the fallacies inside me, make me a habitual offender. henceforthe, insecure about how to overcome them.

Similar to how a positive acknowledgement beckons a bright future for kids and negative comments impede their overall growth, grown ups also (Let me atleast believe that!!) require effective support in their activities in the form of a positive reciprocation.

The mechanism or the delivery of this acknowledgement can differ, but ultimately it is this belief that the  other person is happier at my performance or that it will bring them a smile makes every man push himself, even if it means compromising on his/her own well being.

Every parent does it, and I believe every good husband/father/brother also does the same and ofcourse the same applies to their counterparts.

I am unable to deal with this negative criticism for a petty act, and am becoming very defensive in dealing with that. Can't open up or break down completely, because I know the efforts by the other person, but I am unable to give myself enough excuses either ways.

Just deal with it. Tsk. Unable to.

Today I almost broke my knuckles by hitting the wall hard (As if I've the strength). It was a show of desperation during an argument, as I wasn't sure how to deal with it.

It continues to give me headache and depresses me further. And the element of fear and insecurity add to my woes. What is suppose to be my strength continues to hamper my aspirations.

Even my title starts with an uneasiness.. I wish I overcome a lot of things. Unfortunately, since I don't open up as much, I will have to continue to push myself.

And, my back pain, has been a cause of continuous downfall. Iam on the verge of complete oblivion. Waiting to be rescued by my ownself or the ones for whom I matter.

No sympathies for the destitute. 

Saturday, November 04, 2017


Mutually Assured Destruction (MAD). I am sure most of you have come across this acronym and are well aware of it.
Example: North Korea's rhetoric, Pakistan's stance on Nuclear, ISIS are all MAD because they know that they will perish, but will try and ensure maximum damage before their eventual annihilation.

But I don't think they alone are MAD. As a society and as a race we've become MAD.
a) We know, we do climate change, which is happening due to our increased greed and need to flourish, not just survive. Yet, we ignore it.
b) We are trying to win over each other, not by traits and emotions but my overpowering each other.
and many more like this..

We, as a race are trying to become supreme not on another race, but on individuals of our own race and thereby are willing to compromise on so many things that the eventual path is the mutually assured destruction.

In military training, they say the nation comes first, and then the army, and then the unit, and then the team and then the individual.

But, the we are all working in the reverse direction .. Individual first and then the family and then the neighborhood and then the society and then the country and then who cares..

This is what is also leading to our exploration of other planets, deeper oceans and also the ever expanding consumerism.

Am I a part of it. Definitely Yes, am I willing to take a step back. I was telling my friend, I am stepping back where I know I cannot win and I am pushing harder where I know I can win.

I am a bigger evil amongst the lot, and yet, the realization is not yielding any results.

Everyone of us wants more, because my peers had it or are planning to have it. I want to stand out and hence the drive to excel my peers. Most of us, including thyself is not willing to take a step back and question, do I really need it. Even if some one questions, he/she is eventually again coming back to the same plethora.

What am I trying to acheive is not in correlation with what is needed..
And some one from a trillion feet view and from nth dimension would be looking at me and wondering, why is he even concerned, how things are running... eventually his destiny is in my control...Why does he worry so much, when the eventuality and the path are also controlled..

I am unable to accept that this MADness is also MADE up.

Should I be anxious?? Then I am far from any realization and am still mired!!

Sorry.. Cant find a meaningful end to this article!!

Friday, October 06, 2017

Human to a beast

That's the transformation that I've seen in myself over the past three years. May be, it did start happening earlier, but I started seeing it only recently.
Every time I got an opportunity to go back, I chose the beastly nature.
Here on, I am officially a beast from here on and will remain so.
I used to be liked, but am hated. I shout, I get irritated, and respond with such vengeance that I never realized I had it in me.
Today, I do.
The beast should not have relationships or the fruits from it. 
I didn't know when did I become so violent in nature and so untamed. May be its the cholesterol, BP, and the associated distresses. I am still unwilling to accept the true nature of mine. I better accept it now, before I make some one else a victim of this.

Monday, April 10, 2017

Fairness suddenly became Dark!

I am just becoming more hysterical and sensitive and hence thinking about it. But feel free to condemn me, if the title isn't the truth.

Especially, when you consider what happened in Syria.
Imagine a father, holding his two 9 month old twin babies with foams in their mouth and dead in matter of minutes. Now that I am a father of a 1 year old, I can really feel the anguish that this father would have gone through.

I could not have related to it as much, as I do now and suddenly feel that the shadow of the devil grew longer. 

How can any one justify? Everything is fair in love and war?? and infants dying is also fair!!!

I guess then fairness has suddenly taken a darker complexion. Does any one even care.. Ofcourse time is terrible that it lets every one ignore the pain of the casualty.

The picture of the father is depicted all across. The incident happened just a few days ago, when the Syrian Govt. dropped a chemical bomb on the rebel's location. When the bomb fell, the father holding his both twins smelled something bad, and gave them to his wife and asked them to leave. He went and was searching for his other family members, who are all found to be dead with foams coming from the mouth.

When he came back he found his wife and his twin kids lying idle on the floor. He couldn't look at them longer as he also fell ill. What would the mother have been going through the instances just before her death.

She'd have seen her twins dying in her own hands. The agony of the situation is unimaginable. If someone does a postmortem on the mother's cause of death, I bet it can be attributed more to the agony of seeing her kids die than the actual impact of the chemical. 

Why am I even deliberating this.. Dunno, I feel more pained, terrible and wanting to feel saddened further... may be that's the only way I can be a part of the sorrow that the couple would have gone through.

I do want to interact once with the pilot who is understood to have dropped this weapon. What would be going through his mind.

I wasn't present when the Hiroshima and Nagasaki landed, may be the pilot then, was dreaming about ending the war or may be he didnt have any clue about the impact that it was gonna create..or may be .. 

see, this is why I love & hate time .. we know that the impact of Hiroshima and Nagasaki was far worse than this, but we seem to believe that any event that has happened now carries a far greater impact than something that happened in history .. 

hence, I am willing to give some neutral opinion towards the nuclear D day than what happened last week in Syria. We are ruthless as is time.

Will Fairness in war ever receive a genuine fair cream. 

Saturday, February 04, 2017

silence of the lambs!!

Does it matter...whether a lamb is silent or is groaning or shouting
Infact, a lamb remains fine as long as it is silent.. once it opens its mouth or stands for anything it dies or is prone to attacks against itself.. and the lamb better realize that its defenceless.

Similary, a week hearted need to always remain silent, however he may be humiliated, tested or thrown dust at .. for, thats the best that he can do, face it .. and the worst part, there are no medals for takingg it .. its the only way to survive, for, the lamb is with the lions!!

I got hit by somebody, cursed by somebody, shaken a lot .. yet, all that I could do was and is get frustrated everytime that happens .. introspect and do nothing about it .. 

all retards like me, should always remain silent .. for, the lambs like me are nothing but meals to the lions prowling around, and the lambs are made for it ..

the so called horns that many deer have are a show of virility against the likes of its own kind and not against the one who is actually preying or eyeing it.. similarly a person without brave heart has all his so called persona only against people who are all talk.. and the moment there is an element of aggression all the ensemble gets down the drain and is what is left is a weak man.

And, the only solace are blogs like these, which bring a mere satisfaction that somewhere some one across the might internet might read it, and empathise with the situation and we feel proud of it.

Why the ^&YU do men like these get married or have kids.. or get into any kind of relationships .. we cant stand for any .. we live in this false glory and aura created by similar individuals and then we give the justification of philosophy of karma and detatchment.. hiding under all these pretexts and not actually having the willpower to fight it..

We have the right to remain at a distance from our children because we cannot keep them happy... if they are laughing in your presence it is because your partner is busy doing some important work .. and you a lowly weasle, should stay away.. as the might are holding the mantle when they become free..

Incomplete, as is the case with lambs .. half way through and dead, for they've lost sight of the vision and origin

Sunday, January 29, 2017

Believe in yourself

This is what most of the sportsmen seem to say. In today's India vs England T20 cricket match England needed just 9 runs of the lat over with 6 wickets in Hand. India won by 5 runs and during the ceremony, the captain of Indian cricket team said that, they believed in themselves.. All is not last till the last run is scored.

Federer, was very ecstatic after the Australian open win, but he during his post match ceremony that he feels he is lucky although he kept believing in his abilities to move. Today's match of Federer vs Nadal in the Australian open final is a testimony of what a man can do if he believes in his strengths.

Federer committed more than twice the mistakes/unforced errors than his opponent. Yet, he continued to play those shots.. He'd net the ball or hit the ball outside the line for even some seemingly elementary shots... but when it mattered, he reversed his bad habits of giving away the point to ensuring that he will no longer commit any mistakes, yet he took his chances and made sure that he converted them. Today's game wasn't the best that many would have seen of Federer, but as the great man acknowledges, it is the coming back story and hence this win means a lot to him.

When the chips are down, the only thing that matters is the belief in oneself. I haven't been a confident man of late, due to both professional and personal rendezvous, and somewhere I have lost of what are my strengths in the fast place. It is a learning lesson from all these sports person that one might commit many mistakes and the results may not be forthcoming, but it is the self belief which matters and makes a man!

I still am trying to figure out myself and subsequently and hopefully the belief in myself