Friday, October 06, 2017

Human to a beast

That's the transformation that I've seen in myself over the past three years. May be, it did start happening earlier, but I started seeing it only recently.
Every time I got an opportunity to go back, I chose the beastly nature.
Here on, I am officially a beast from here on and will remain so.
I used to be liked, but am hated. I shout, I get irritated, and respond with such vengeance that I never realized I had it in me.
Today, I do.
The beast should not have relationships or the fruits from it. 
I didn't know when did I become so violent in nature and so untamed. May be its the cholesterol, BP, and the associated distresses. I am still unwilling to accept the true nature of mine. I better accept it now, before I make some one else a victim of this.

Monday, April 10, 2017

Fairness suddenly became Dark!

I am just becoming more hysterical and sensitive and hence thinking about it. But feel free to condemn me, if the title isn't the truth.

Especially, when you consider what happened in Syria.
Imagine a father, holding his two 9 month old twin babies with foams in their mouth and dead in matter of minutes. Now that I am a father of a 1 year old, I can really feel the anguish that this father would have gone through.

I could not have related to it as much, as I do now and suddenly feel that the shadow of the devil grew longer. 

How can any one justify? Everything is fair in love and war?? and infants dying is also fair!!!

I guess then fairness has suddenly taken a darker complexion. Does any one even care.. Ofcourse time is terrible that it lets every one ignore the pain of the casualty.

The picture of the father is depicted all across. The incident happened just a few days ago, when the Syrian Govt. dropped a chemical bomb on the rebel's location. When the bomb fell, the father holding his both twins smelled something bad, and gave them to his wife and asked them to leave. He went and was searching for his other family members, who are all found to be dead with foams coming from the mouth.

When he came back he found his wife and his twin kids lying idle on the floor. He couldn't look at them longer as he also fell ill. What would the mother have been going through the instances just before her death.

She'd have seen her twins dying in her own hands. The agony of the situation is unimaginable. If someone does a postmortem on the mother's cause of death, I bet it can be attributed more to the agony of seeing her kids die than the actual impact of the chemical. 

Why am I even deliberating this.. Dunno, I feel more pained, terrible and wanting to feel saddened further... may be that's the only way I can be a part of the sorrow that the couple would have gone through.

I do want to interact once with the pilot who is understood to have dropped this weapon. What would be going through his mind.

I wasn't present when the Hiroshima and Nagasaki landed, may be the pilot then, was dreaming about ending the war or may be he didnt have any clue about the impact that it was gonna create..or may be .. 

see, this is why I love & hate time .. we know that the impact of Hiroshima and Nagasaki was far worse than this, but we seem to believe that any event that has happened now carries a far greater impact than something that happened in history .. 

hence, I am willing to give some neutral opinion towards the nuclear D day than what happened last week in Syria. We are ruthless as is time.

Will Fairness in war ever receive a genuine fair cream. 

Saturday, February 04, 2017

silence of the lambs!!

Does it matter...whether a lamb is silent or is groaning or shouting
Infact, a lamb remains fine as long as it is silent.. once it opens its mouth or stands for anything it dies or is prone to attacks against itself.. and the lamb better realize that its defenceless.

Similary, a week hearted need to always remain silent, however he may be humiliated, tested or thrown dust at .. for, thats the best that he can do, face it .. and the worst part, there are no medals for takingg it .. its the only way to survive, for, the lamb is with the lions!!

I got hit by somebody, cursed by somebody, shaken a lot .. yet, all that I could do was and is get frustrated everytime that happens .. introspect and do nothing about it .. 

all retards like me, should always remain silent .. for, the lambs like me are nothing but meals to the lions prowling around, and the lambs are made for it ..

the so called horns that many deer have are a show of virility against the likes of its own kind and not against the one who is actually preying or eyeing it.. similarly a person without brave heart has all his so called persona only against people who are all talk.. and the moment there is an element of aggression all the ensemble gets down the drain and is what is left is a weak man.

And, the only solace are blogs like these, which bring a mere satisfaction that somewhere some one across the might internet might read it, and empathise with the situation and we feel proud of it.

Why the ^&YU do men like these get married or have kids.. or get into any kind of relationships .. we cant stand for any .. we live in this false glory and aura created by similar individuals and then we give the justification of philosophy of karma and detatchment.. hiding under all these pretexts and not actually having the willpower to fight it..

We have the right to remain at a distance from our children because we cannot keep them happy... if they are laughing in your presence it is because your partner is busy doing some important work .. and you a lowly weasle, should stay away.. as the might are holding the mantle when they become free..

Incomplete, as is the case with lambs .. half way through and dead, for they've lost sight of the vision and origin

Sunday, January 29, 2017

Believe in yourself

This is what most of the sportsmen seem to say. In today's India vs England T20 cricket match England needed just 9 runs of the lat over with 6 wickets in Hand. India won by 5 runs and during the ceremony, the captain of Indian cricket team said that, they believed in themselves.. All is not last till the last run is scored.

Federer, was very ecstatic after the Australian open win, but he during his post match ceremony that he feels he is lucky although he kept believing in his abilities to move. Today's match of Federer vs Nadal in the Australian open final is a testimony of what a man can do if he believes in his strengths.

Federer committed more than twice the mistakes/unforced errors than his opponent. Yet, he continued to play those shots.. He'd net the ball or hit the ball outside the line for even some seemingly elementary shots... but when it mattered, he reversed his bad habits of giving away the point to ensuring that he will no longer commit any mistakes, yet he took his chances and made sure that he converted them. Today's game wasn't the best that many would have seen of Federer, but as the great man acknowledges, it is the coming back story and hence this win means a lot to him.

When the chips are down, the only thing that matters is the belief in oneself. I haven't been a confident man of late, due to both professional and personal rendezvous, and somewhere I have lost of what are my strengths in the fast place. It is a learning lesson from all these sports person that one might commit many mistakes and the results may not be forthcoming, but it is the self belief which matters and makes a man!

I still am trying to figure out myself and subsequently and hopefully the belief in myself

Monday, August 01, 2016

Curiosity vs anxiety

It was a dark room, with my wife lying next to me, waiting for the doctor to walk in.
The doctor was a young lady and seemed at ease with her job.
I was watching over my wife and checking if the room has all the equipment required.
The doctor wished us and took over the reins. She applied that gel to my wife's stomach and moved the ultra sound sensor over the area and the screen came to life.
Initially it was some dark matter, and then series of black and white patches and then came the small image which looked like a life form.
Alien like, with large tummy, small legs and large hands, actually shorted than what they were a month ago.
I looked at my wife again to check her reaction.... Glee, anxiety and a smile across her face looking at that image.
The attachment to that life form is not enshrined in the mind. Yet, there is an expectation around how this small shape will transform into, as has been with more than 7-10 billion of our entities over the few millennia. But everytime, for the persons overbearing the responsibility it is a new phenomenon and the experience is unparallelled.
Let me come back to the room and the image at hand. The doctor was moving the ultrasound scanner all around and checking various dimensions, My curiosity didn't cease and I kept pouring tonnes of questions and I wonder how many fathers have ever asked these when the baby is almost 6 months old in the womb..
What is the color of the skin?
Are the bones formed?
Can the baby hear sound?
What are the external stimuli to which the baby will react now?
Can the baby smile?
Does the baby have emotions?
When does the baby start responding to emotions?
How does the baby know the way to react to a certain emotion?
If there is a large sound, what does the baby do? Will it close it ears? How does it know? (Especially for this question, the doctor said that the baby rolls with its back in the direction of the sound...because, the instinct tells the baby to shield itself from the large sound, and that too because spinal cord is the strongest of all the bones at this point?)
How does the baby respond to the reactions of the mother?
What happens to the baby if the mother cries?
What should be the dimensions of the baby at this month?

As I am trying to publish this, 4 months after my baby is born.. I have a smile reading this, as I can still recollect the questions that I posed the doctor.


As usual, I begin by saying .. it's been a while that I wrote something.
I've stopped writing. I spend too much time analyzing, judging, scrutinizing and end up doing Nothing.
I have so many thoughts, wanting to be told, waiting to be heard .. but forced to retreat into oblivion, for.. the thoughts are followed by the ones which contradict the prior.
Living under shades of grey .. the same old rhetoric .. continues to linger
Desirous of wanting to be free and yet dying to remain within the 4 walls..
Guilty of betrayal, and the hope to rekindle the future...
This day, a few years ago I'd have envied my position .. where I don't know how tomorrow is going to look like ...
but for the people that are now mine!

Once a lady told me that she would want to bring up her kids to be like me, guess many would have experienced these kind of compliments ... and there is another day where a person is lamenting me for not fighting up for something that is right and to remain under the dark feeling that I'd not want my kids to become like me.

From a position of limelight to a day where I hardly interact with any one. A couple of months ago I was on this trip to Africa and got to meet and work with 4-5 folks. It was the largest team that I had worked in almost an year. Not sure, how you feel, but for a person who is used to be with friends, colleagues and lot of people around .. this transformation is something that I am still unable to handle well. 

hey hey hey .. do they sound like mid career crisis ... sorry folks .. i am not even speaking of career crisis ... am yet to even speak about it ... its just my personal being

Recollect those moments when people would reach out to you for their meaning of life .. and imagine the position where the discontentment grows within yourself to the extent that in-spite of feeling the need to reach out, you become an ostrich and revel in the glory of the painting and the wall stickers that you have kept on the wall in-front of your bed.

Between pity and aggression, vicissitudes that make you desire to false glory and pretense .. .and emotions that drain the glorified strengths into personified weaknesses..

Once, i used to let go of anything because I could dream about future and was supremely confident and taking everything by the stride ... today I question the very basic nature and the fundamentals that I used to believe in... being philosophical was my strength, I used to talk about humility and all those relevant traits in-spite of being in a position that didnt demand any from me ... 

today my humility is only seen as my need, as my action due to weakness, as my strait due to helplessness .. I certainly know this is a wave and am trying to fill the page with these random thoughts...

no one is going to read these last lines, as all of you are fed with up with the random scribble of irrelevant thoughts...

among all these feelings, I still hope for light and I see it in a distance .. am waiting for it and yet not ready to embrace it fully ..  as I am still torn between the ludicrous state of my being and the future waiting to be flagged.

Wednesday, November 25, 2015


The word has been echoing across the country for the past few months and has almost reached hysterical levels nowadays. I was in a small altercation with some one an hour ago (Typical dramas surrounding road mishaps). And, then the intolerance has stuck me.
And, haven't we realized that it is no longer about one's religion, race, creed here...we've simply become intolerant to one another. Let me try and connect the dots
a) Religion - this itself has expanded based on intolerance, similarly cast and creed. We have become more and more intolerant towards people from other religions/castes. And it is applicable towards every one.. 
b) Money .. We are intolerant towards the people with less of it and the ones with less of it are intolerant towards why the others have more of it
c) Politics .. Do I even need to mention it
d) Greed .. the Have's are intolerant towards the have nots and vice versa

The same gets applicable to relationships .. we are intolerant towards our teachers, parents, friends, lovers every one ...
we as a country have become intolerant towards one another. This is reflected in the increasing trend of people preferring clean townships and are ok with garbage outside.

And this intolerance has nothing to do with BJP. BJP is openly trying to question and handle the intolerance. They are as tolerant/intolerant as any other party is. And them ruling the country has nothing to do with whether the country has become intolerant.

And why are we raising questions about some one else's comments.. because, we've become intolerant towards any one.

Just now, a lady was throwing tantrums at me and I grew intolerant.. I became intolerant towards my own ineptitudes.

In-spite of all this we appear to be a tolerant society, when it comes to crime. We fear facing crime. We fear facing the consequences. We lose all the balls, at the thought of inconvenience. We are unbecoming a society that can expect peace from its neighbors.

Oh, did I forget to mention about our treatment of women. Our dear own Rape stories. Where does our intolerance disappear?

Rash driving? is it intolerance? Let's blame BJP for that. Mr. Arnab Goswamy? Why are you not asking about your own intolerance? The nation wants to know.

Keeping the satire aside. Why is there intolerance, if at all. There is proof of intolerance every where and let me reiterate what I believe. It has got nothing to do with BJP.

We as individuals in a country with limited resources and a population of 130 crores have become insecure towards our own future and hence the growing intolerance. We believe that every action as an individual is justified including dumping garbage, road rash, carlessness towards neighbors and the next person. Probably, pollution and the increased traffic chaos also have a role to play.. 

The increased traffic in everything. Ads that we see, noise in the daily sops, loud speakers from various religious institutions, deluge of free advices, too many lights, too many honks .. everything makes us so restless that we shower that on any other person at the drop of a hat.

Why speak of Amir Khan's thought of leaving the country. Every student studying outside India is intolerant. Every NRI speaking about the bad things here is intolerant. Every native speaking about the so called dual life of NRIs is intolerant.

Where does the intolerance end?

No where. So, what do we do? Let's not blame the ruling party for intolerance being exhibited by we all individuals. 

I've become intolerant towards this behaviour of intolerance!!!